Anger, Yelling, Fighting and Jesus
- Ian
- Mar 3, 2008
- Series: Gospel Stories
I want to share about a fight I started with my wife and how God used this fight to shine a light in the dark places of my heart and how he is now using it to bring me to repentance. The fight began over stupid little things but it rapidly exploded into emotions that I had made ultimate and they became my gods. In this fight I made the anger and frustration of an empty toilet paper roll and a cancelled Super Bowl party more important to me than my relationship with my wife and daughter. As the fight went on (Friday night and all Saturday morning) it evolved and became about other things. Hurtful things. During this process, all the sin and pain and hurt that were bubbling just beneath the crust of my “socially acceptable exterior” came boiling out like Mentos in a soda bottle. It was a scary, disgusting, sticky mess… for all three of us. I cared only about being right and winning the argument. After a while I didn’t even care if I was right or if I won I just wanted the whole mess would be over.
I ended up leaving the house and driving to a Home Depot parking lot sitting alone and full of rage and self-hatred. It was in this moment that I realized that it was the idol of “Me” that I was pursuing and worshiping as ultimate/savior and not Jesus. I made my emotions a god and was apparently willing to sacrifice a lot for them. I decided to call some of my friends from Kaleo and it was through these conversations that I was able to see my sin clearly and then able to see that Jesus had dealt with that sin on the cross. It was only because of Jesus' first forgiving me first that I could eventually see my marriage through his eyes and seek forgiveness from my wife. I did immediately and we were reconciled.
What happened next can only come from Jesus. I mean, outside of Jesus giving us his righteousness and his Holy Spirit's regenerating work in our lives it is absolutely insane to think that we went out on (and enjoyed) a movie-date not even 8 hours after we had been screaming our lungs out at each other. It is only because of he first loved us that our lips could be used for hate in the morning and then a truly loving kiss goodnight in the evening. It is only through reconciliation with God the Father through Jesus' life, death and resurrection that my wife and I could be wholly reconciled to each other by the end of the weekend. Let me stress that I am not saying that my actions are now somehow acceptable or that there are no consequences. I have hurt my wife and this will take time and Jesus’ help to heal. I need help in learning to love my wife and daughter. I am a broken person who is married to a broken person but the more important truth is that God is redeeming these broken people through revealing our sinful hearts and then empowering us to change through the grace of Jesus Christ and by the presence of his Holy Spirit.
I am thankful to be a part of a community of believers like Kaleo that Jesus is using as a conduit for his grace. This is truly a place where it is OK to be “Not OK”. I am confessing my sins because we don’t want to pretend in here. There are no perfect Christians at Kaleo. We all have hearts of stone but Jesus promises that if we hear his words and respond to his call he will give us living hearts of flesh. Thank you for listening.
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