Four Facets of Biblical Grief

  • Stephen Trout
  • Jan 27, 2009
  • Series: Counseling

“All I feel is numb.” “It’s like our family picture has been shattered, and all I can do is stare at the broken pieces on the floor.”   “I feel like I’ve been split in two.”  “To be honest, I’m angry at being left alone like this.” “I just feel so lost. Why did God allow  this? Does He really care?”

The voices of grief are many, and they are among us.
Perhaps if the voice of our own heart was heard, it might sound similar.

The word “grief” literally means pain, and pain is often connected to some significant change.  It need not be confined to death.  We may grieve the loss of possessions, of health, or a move away from the family home.  We may grieve a divorce, the loss of time that comes with a promotion, even the loss of a pet.*   In our times of painful sorrow, it’s comforting to know that our grief is no surprise to God.  On the contrary, it’s something which Jesus is “deeply acquainted,” in a personal way (Isa. 53:3). 

Further, a realistic look at how Jesus displayed his profound emotions of grief actually gives us great hope when it comes to wrestling with our experiences of sorrow.  (As with all other facets of true humanity,  if we want to get a true view of our emotions, we need to look especially at Jesus).

As we do, we can gain at least four valuable lessons.  

1.)  Don’t ignore your grief, but pay attention to your pain.  

Jesus took time to feel and express deep pain openly and honestly.  He grieved and wept over the ruin and destruction of God’s creation and beauty - especially his people Jerusalem - and lamented it.  He took time to weep at Lazarus's tomb, even though he was about to raise him from the dead.  But he also knew that ultimate redemption was coming for his loved ones through His cross and resurrection, and this was the great joy that was "set before him."

Unfortunately, Christians are often taught that extended mourning and grief are signs of spiritual immaturity, or worse, failure, and so are to be quickly morphed (by sheer will) into happy looks and smiles.  If we were really spiritual (we’re told), we would just get over it, and move on. But is this true?  Did not Jesus say, “blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted?”  Why does Ecclesiastes say that “it is better to enter the house of mourning, than the house of feasting?” (7:2).  The truth is, Jesus Himself expressed the very heart of God,  as well as true humanity, as he grieved and wept at the effects of brokenness and sin. 

In addition, we should know that grief will manifest itself in some form, no matter how creatively we try to stuff it  (see the recent movie “Lars and the Real Girl” for a poignant take on what grief can do when we push it down).  As the Gospel of Jesus frees us for authentic, honest relationships with God and others, we can also freely grieve and explore our losses and let others love us with the love of Christ – no matter how long it takes.       

We Are Family

Edith Schaeffer, in her book What is a Family? notes that a family can be thought of as a giant mobile, gently balancing as the wind blows.  (The same, of course, applies also to the larger family of Christ.)  If a fierce wind should happen to knock one part of the mobile off, the whole mobile is out of balance.  Grieving, then, is an effort by “the other parts of the mobile” to somehow find a new equilibrium – to discover how to “do life” in balance now that that part is gone.

It’s a reminder that none of us exist in isolation.  We’re made for community, for family, and as Christians, especially the family of God.  Paul notes that when one part of the body suffers, we all suffer with it  ( I Cor. 12).  Grief in this regard is really a sign of our love, our longing for wholeness, our incompleteness now that a member of the community is missing.  


2.)  Realize that grief is not something to "get over," but is there to actually incorporate into our life.

Jesus “bore our grief, and carried our sorrows.”  Rather than shun grief, He entered  into the experience of it wherever he went.  Many times we think that God is only at work when we're happy and everything seems fine.  But it's usually when we're most empty that God's grace and tender love and compassion is revealed - especially though the loving ministry of his people. 

While some expect to “leave grief fully behind” in order to heal, the truth is, God works in brokenness and the memory of sorrow.  This is why attempts to put a time-table on  grief – sometimes encouraged by well-meaning friends because they don't like feeling bad (think of Job's friends, who let their compassion turn to judgment) or appearing like possible losers or failures - actually misses what can be learned and experienced in the "house of mourning” (Eccl. 7:2).  For example, in times of deep loss (think only of 9/11), our community's trust in God is usually challenged to go deeper, compassion and sympathy for other's hurts grows, and we are able to better "comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received” (2 Cor. 1:4).   We effectively become a community of "wounded healers," as we minister the balm of God's grace and love to a hurting world that needs Jesus, as he graciously works through our pain. 

3.)  Let grief grow and transform us now.
 
Out of Jesus’ grief came our redemption.  So too, have you ever thought that your sufferings are actually an important piece in the redemption of the world?   It is often said of grief that it can become the soil in which beautiful flowers will grow, watered by our tears.  In this regard, grief can...
 
• Grow us in tender compassion for others who suffer (incl. the poor, marginalized, etc.). 
• Make us humbler, so that we become better lovers of God and others.
• Cultivate thankfulness, as we treasure each person more deeply as a gift.
• Help us face our fears, and take greater risks to love the "unlovable" (like us).

For all these reasons, we must not run from grief, or sugar-coat another's loss with pious words or “spiritual sayings.” (In addition to failing to “weep with those who weep,” this can actually short-circuit love to others, not to mention all that we may learn.)   Also, as we see others serving us, we can also learn to ask ourselves, “how might God want me to reach out to and identify with someone else’s suffering?  To pray for and cry with them?”  Perhaps you can identify a person even now that you can love in this way.

What if we can hardly find words to talk to God about our struggle?  Again, our good God has not been caught off guard, for more than half of the Psalms involve pain and sorrow, despair and grief.  These Psalms can help take us into our hearts and lay them open before God in prayer and communion with Him.  Choose a Psalm of lament to memorize and meditate on. (David actually taught laments to God’s people - see 2 Sam. 1:18) to help them express their sorrow over loss.  Consider Psalms 18, 20, 22, 23, 42, 46, 63, and 90… and imagine the Lord Jesus praying these. What Psalm did you choose?

4.)  Know that grief will have an end, and a bright tomorrow. 

Jesus looked forward to the end of grief.   As we wait for his return, our grief and loss can grow hope and perseverance, for our good God promises a bright and glorious morning after the dark night of weeping.  Even in the mystery of sufferings we don't understand, we can cling to a good and loving God who is at work for his bride's ultimate good (Rom. 8:28).

Think again of Jesus and his suffering:  “Knowing the joy set before him, (meaning, us) he endured the cross…”  Jesus suffered hell on the cross out of love for you, so that death would not have the final word.  Meditate on the new beginning He promises, when “He will wipe every tear from our eyes (Rev. 21).”    The Gospel provides power and resources for us to eventually grieve with his gift of hope, for our Father loves us deeply.  He collects every one of our tears in his bottle (for they are precious to him) and uses our sufferings to actually bring about a new day when all things will be made new.

In conclusion, in our marriage relationship with Jesus, the “man of sorrows,” we’re expected, even called, to grieve.  As His beloved bride, we keenly experience the brokenness of life in this “veil of tears,” for we are learning what life was meant to be, and so grieve when we see its brokenness.  But Gospel hope born in the soil of grief means that His death and resurrection not only guarantee the beauty of what we will one day become, but works hope, comfort, and others-centered beauty in our experience of grief here and now.  

* Donald Howard, Christians Grieve Too.

1 Comments | Login to Post Comments

Emmy on Jul 12, 2011 1:13pm

Thank you. . .I have searched and searched for a message like this. . .no one talks about suffering. . .it seems like few churches want to deal with it. Christians are supposed to be happy--so at church many wear a plastic smile and go home hurting, empty, frustrated, even angry. Thank you for truth. I am hurting greatly and this word is a cool drink of water and bread for my hungry soul.