From Broken-Hearted to Loved
- Kaleo Church
- Aug 6, 2007
- Series: Gospel Stories
There are so many different ways I could tell this story and so many different things that brought me to this point. For instance, when I was a kid I knew God existed well enough to be angry at him that I couldn't know everything (weird, but true). And I knew him well enough to tell him that I wanted to be a good person. I was interested enough in religion when I was 10 years old to attend and be baptized into the Mormon church. And I was devastated enough by my father's disapproval at my baptism to never go back to the church and to turn away from religion and God completely.
I remained an atheist all the way through college where I studied psychology. After school, I became interested in evolutionary psychology and started reading whatever I could find on it. The more I read about it, the more I started to think that we, humans, are way too sophisticated to be products of evolution. The point of evolution is merely to survive...and I realized that our brains allow us to far exceed that goal. We have culture, art, computers, music, etc. Survival doesn't call for those things. These realizations made me soften to the idea of the existence of "something" else and I went from atheism to the less-committal agnosticism.
But the thing that is most responsible for bringing me to God was and is my need for attention, affection, approval, and love. These things were not present in abundance when I was younger and, wanting them but not knowing how to get them, I turned to romantic relationships thinking I would find them there. And I did...for short, fleeting periods of time. But the relationships all ended in heartache: either mine or his or both of ours, and other negative emotions welled up too: bitterness, anger, resentfulness, embarrassment, etc. They all ended badly.
Around the same time that I developed an interest in evolutionary psychology I heard Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the radio. I became a regular listener and somewhere along the line, thankfully, I began to take her advice to heart. Because of her voice of reason and the knowledge I'd gained about relationships and gender differences from studying psychology, I decided to change my approach to relationships and become more "conservative".
I thought for sure that this new m. o. would protect me from most of the negative fall-outs of dating...but it didn't quite work that way. I met a man that I fell absolutely head-over-heels for within a very short period of time. But I soon realized that when I said I wanted to wait to have sex, he thought I meant I wanted to wait a few more dates...not until we were married. When he realized I was serious about it and that I wouldn't budge on the issue, he broke up with me. His exact words were, "well, there's no point in us dating because I'm never going to fall in love with someone that I'm not sleeping with."
Hearing that a man who I was in love with valued me so low was devastating. I cried. I bawled. I dropped to the floor and sobbed so hard that I hyperventilated. Somewhere during that time, I cried out to God. I confessed to him that I couldn't do it alone anymore...that it was too hard...that I was too weak...that I wasn't smart enough to navigate my own heart or capable enough to handle the kind pain I was in. And I begged him for his help. I said I would even consider Jesus if that's what it took (because just a month before I swore I would never be a Christian).
I think he took pity on me. If I could give voice to him I really think that he chuckled and said, "Of course I'll help you, but we've got to get around your stubborn brain first." I called a dear old friend of mine who I knew was Christian and she was delighted to share her experience of how she came to her religious beliefs. She also listened to my objections to Christianity and suggested that I read a book which, oddly, had been recommended to me at least five years earlier by another friend of mine. I bought the book, The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel, and I started reading it. When I read about the crucifixion, I broke down in tears. I sobbed even harder when I read about the resurrection. I finally knew it was true...and I finally felt loved.
Two days later was Easter Sunday and I found my way to Kaleo. I cried the whole service long. Every time I heard words relating to sadness, despair, pain, or suffering, I would cry. And every time I heard words relating to love, forgiveness, salvation, or redemption, I would cry. And I cried the next Sunday...and the next one...and for parts of the next one...and I still get choked up even now, especially when I take communion. Basically, I've become a big crybaby! This is incredibly ironic coming from a girl who used to wear combat boots in high school and said just a few short months prior that she would NEVER be a Christian.
But the reason that I cry is because my worldview has changed. I now see in it a profound beauty that I've never seen before. I've always been sensitive to pain and despair when I see it in other people but it would frustrate me because I had no idea how it could possibly be fixed. And the beauty I see now is that God's love, Christ's love is everywhere...just waiting for people to tap into it. It's there for the asking. No one is denied it if they want it. There is hope for every single soul.
My worldview has also changed in that now I can more clearly see the battles that are going on all around me. Especially with the people I know well, I can see them struggling between what they want and what they need, between what they know is good and what they want to be good...which are two totally different things. And my hope now is that I can help.
I think that one of the biggest reasons why people in the west are opposed to Christianity is because of God's laws about sex. Because the experiences that I've had and the knowledge I've gained through independent reading and research, I am in a place where I have many arguments against having premarital sex that do not rely on saying "because God said so". My hope is that I can reach out to young women and appeal to their reason to help them establish healthy boundaries in relationships. If young women have other reasons for having these boundaries in place, they will have one less excuse for stepping closer to God.
Those are my long-term hopes but my immediate goals are just to get to know God and Jesus better. I want to learn the teachings of the bible and I want learn how to reflect my gratefulness for the gift that I've been given in every facet of my life, every day of my life.
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David Fairchild on Aug 18, 2007 10:52am
What a great testimony of God's grace. I'm so blown away by how God is moving in and through you.
Brooke Feldman on Sep 22, 2007 4:23am
I love who He has made you to be. Thank you for giving God the glory He deserves. You are such a blessing to our community. Love you, sister!
Anonymous on Oct 28, 2007 11:35pm
I do not understand men not honoring God, so clearly HE, states that sex is intended for two to become one flesh.....after marriage. And that He uses the human sexual attraction to draw tow people closer together, spiritual, physcilogically (sp) sexualal....the two become on flesh.......no guild, unwed baby, unwanted pregnacy.....where does a christian man find such a woamn?