From Unloved and Defeated to Accepted and Loved
- Dec 29, 2008
- Series: Gospel Stories
For those of you that do not know me, my name is Anna. I am the proud wife of a Soldier who is currently stationed in Georgia state and a pet parent to my two dogs Ralph and Riley. My road to salvation was not what I would call "easy." I never got the chance to live with my mother and father after the age of two and spent many years being shuffled between homes. My sister and I were taken away from our parents at a young age by Child Protective Services and placed with our maternal grandmother, grandfather, and uncle. I remember "feeling" loved when we were younger, but it seemed that the more we aged the more that love started to dissipate. It began with physical spankings and progressed to verbal abuse, which I have always viewed as more hurtful. So much for sticks and stones. I knew things weren't right when my grandmother dropped my sister off at the welfare department and threatened to leave her there. She actually drove the car around the corner out of her sight to get her point across.
Whenever my mother's brother and his children would come over, we always felt a sense of safety and comfort- we begged them not to leave on visits. I can't exactly remember why, but in the sixth grade, I found myself telling my school principle that my grandmother used to hit us with slippers and fly swatters and how she used to tell us that nobody wanted us. Soon after, our social worker was contacted and that's when a new chapter started. I came home from summer school one day to find my aunt, uncle, sister, grandmother, and social worker seated around the kitchen table. The social worker explained to me that I could leave my grandmother's house and live with my aunt and uncle if I wanted. I said "yes" without hesitation. Then she asked my little sister what she wanted, and she said, "I want to be with my sister." Before we knew it, our bags were packed and we were of to the "good life," or so we thought. Days turned to months, and months turned to years and for the most part, we felt we had made a good decision in leaving our childhood home. We were introduced to Christianity, but always found our family being "fair-weather" Christians. All I saw was hypocrisy. If this was what it meant to be a Christian, I didn't want any part of it. Soon my mother started visiting and leaving us gifts. She did this as a way to try and buy our love. They were trivial things really- a teddy bear here, some toiletries there, and with each gift left behind, my aunt started to grow more and more jealous. I never understood that about her. That was ultimately the cornerstone to the wall that they slowly built between us and them. They punished us more than their children, spanked us harder and longer, and made us feel, surprise, unwanted. My uncle very abruptly made it clear that I was not welcome in his house and called my social worker. I asked my social worker if there was any other way out and he said yes, but I would have to go to a foster home. So I packed my bags and was sent on my way.
I spent two long years in an incredibly unstable foster home 20 minutes from where I lived. Other teenagers like me would come and go show only to show that I was not the only one out there who didn't come from a stable family. I kept in contact with my sister who, at the time, was still living with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. But, soon found out that they too had grown tired of having her there and literally dropped her off on the doorstep of my mother who was living with her boyfriend. We had know for years that my mother's boyfriend wasn't cool with us living there, but even still, my uncle had driven from Riverside to Costa Mesa to tell them that my sister was not their problem anymore. It turns out she had been hanging with the wrong crowd, which is unfortunate because she was one of the smartest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. If only bad friends were the only problem. I soon found out junior year that she was in rehab for a heroine addiction- something my mother has dealt with all her life. In a frantic attempt to help rescue her, I phoned my aunt and uncle from my foster home asking them to set aside our differences and find a way to help her. There was nothing that they could do since the state wouldn't release her from rehab, but that phone call did rekindle the relationship that we had. We had made up and I found myself back in Riverside for my senior year of high school.
My sister had moved in with my mother's younger brother and then found herself back into my grandmother's house. Through the course of my senior year, my once bandaged relationship with my aunt and uncle soon began to unravel into pure hell. I was literally a prisoner in that house. I was eventually kicked out of their house a week after my 18th birthday and found myself signing up for the US Navy. My time was fast and fun in the service, but it wasn't for me. Unfortunately, while stationed in Japan, I received a visit from the base Chaplain informing me that my 17 year old sister was found dead in her bedroom from a cocaine overdose- we were only 18 months apart. So, I flew home to California and buried my little sister. All I have now are a few cards and the portrait that greeted mourners at her funeral. I had lost my best friend. I decided to come back to San Diego as my five years wrapped up and met my husband onboard the USS Mobile Bay. He was everything I ever wanted and more. We fell in love and were married 4 months later. But even my soul mate wasn't enough.
You see, I never had a real family, one that cares and loves unconditionally. Even as a newly wed, I felt loneliness, emptiness, and a deep rooted feeling that despite it all, I didn't want to be here anymore. Last December I overdosed on over the counter medications- I can't even tell you how many pills I took, all I knew was I didn't want to live anymore. I texted my husband "good-bye" from the bathroom floor. Ten minutes later he was home to find me groggy besides the toilet. He rushed me to Grossmont hospital where I stayed for 48 hours. Unfortunately, once the drugs were out of my system, I wasn't allowed to go home. By law, I was forced to go to a mental health hospital, also know as a psyche ward. I cried myself to sleep that night. Josh spent every chance he could there trying his best to cheer me up. It was then that I was diagnosed with depression. Six days later I started Marinello School of Beauty. One month later I met Abby.
Abby and I are like sugar and spice, respectively. We did not mix at first, but before I knew it she was asking if I wanted to go to her church. "Oh, great" I thought, a Jesus freak! I got out of her first invitation with some lame excuse, but she got me the second time she asked. I told her I would give it three strikes and then I was out. She assured me that was not going to happen. I have to admit I was curious. My next surprise came in the form of a Bible sitting neatly at my station- she had planted it there while I was on break. It had a very sincere message written on the inside cover that made me think how wonderful it was to have so much joy, optimism, and compassion for someone she didn't really know. The first day I came to Kaleo, was at the end of February- not bad, but I wasn't sure. Then the following Sunday interested me a little bit more. I was sold by the third Sunday service. I told my husband to come along to the next one. I was hooked!
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were the first people I met on my new journey. I couldn't get enough. The warmth I felt well up inside was something I never experienced- not even from my husband. I realized what was wrong: for the first time in my life, I had a Father that loved me. I couldn't find it in relatives, books, or wishful thinking. I had to find it in my heart. All these years that I felt unloved were because I didn't know the Lord. People like to believe in coincidences because they do not have the Holy Spirit. There are no coincidences. The Lord mapped my way from a tiny baby to the woman I am today. He brought Joshua, Abby, and all of you into my life on purpose. I finally have the family I always wanted. The Lord brought me to a family that loves me unconditionally. I wish I had a favorite Bible verse, but I don't- they are all too good. So, I Googled ‘popular Bible verses.' This is one of many that I liked: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." That was Matthew 11:28. I have accepted the Lord as my personal Saviour and know now that I too can rest. Though my life was full of loneliness and tears, I know that my Father in heaven has lifted me up and used me as an example of a light being at the end of the tunnel. No matter how hard you fall, or far you wander, know that Christ will save you for He rejoices in every sheep in His flock: "What man among you who has 100 sheep and loses one of them, does not leave the 99 in the open field and go after the lost one until he finds it? When he has found it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders, and coming home, he calls his friends and neighbors together, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep!' I tell you, in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous people who don't need repentance." This was God's word.
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