Hello, I am a recovering Legalist
- Eddie
- Mar 24, 2008
- Series: Gospel Stories
I’m sure not many people actually see themselves as hypocritical Pharisees, and for many years I was no different. In many respects the Christian religion has plenty of opportunity for legalism and moralism to flourish, in effect, missing the Gospel partially or entirely. In my case, my Christian religiosity was a perfect cover for hiding the outworking of a particular sinful bent that was ruling my life and still fights in my heart to be the master of my life. I want to share how legalism and moralism affected my life, relationships, and my response to Jesus.
2Ti 3:1-5 You must realize, however, that in the last days difficult times will come. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, unfeeling, uncooperative, slanderous, degenerate, brutal, hateful of what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, and lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God. They will hold to an outward form of godliness but deny its power. Stay away from such people.
The above Scripture has some pretty weighty words, and for many years I would read that Scripture and see how other people were - the unbelievers, the Homosexuals, the liberals, the terrorists. Only recently have I begun to see myself in these verses. For 19 years I held up a façade of godliness, but inwardly and in the privacy of my home I was full of dead man’s bones. For me keeping up a godly appearance was more important then the healing of my own soul, and certainly more important then the well fair of my family. You see, to everyone else I was a godly man. I was leading my family in the ways of the Lord, and was an active Church member. I taught Bible studies in home groups and was quite gifted in teaching how Christians ought to behave. Privately however, if my wife and two daughters strayed from that standard of piety I became an angry, mean ogre, full of rage and self-righteousness. I exacerbated my family. My wife became increasingly distant from me, my daughters were pushed to their emotional limits, I frustrated extended family members, and as crazy as it may sound, I had this inordinate desire to keep all of this concealed under a pretense of virtuous holy living. If I were alive during Jesus’ first advent I’m sure I would have been in that crowd that heard these words “You snakes, you children of serpents! How can you escape being condemned to hell?” Mat 23:33
I know all of this may sound pretty bad, but keep in mind that my walk with the Lord was actually a mixture of faith alone and works based salvation. I was aware of God’s grace in my life, but somehow the outworking of my dominate idol was still master, still hidden, still undiscovered. Understanding my early upbringing in my formative years has helped to begin the process of true Gospel heart transformation. We all have wants, needs, and desires. I have a need to be loved, approved, accepted, to be powerful, and in control. Only these had become my masters. Growing up my father was impossible to please, emotionally distant, and meted out harsh discipline. I often felt helpless, unloved, disapproved, unaccepted, and powerless. Fast forward now to my marriage, I realize that whenever I relate to my wife or daughters and begin to feel helpless, powerless, or out of control I would become angry and often this would lead to rage. I used the Bible to dictate to my wife and kids how they should behave so that my inordinate desires for love, acceptance, and power would be fed. You see, I’m slowly realizing that I am an idolater. My particular idol is power which distorted everything in my life. Unconsciously, my religious performance was simply a rouse, a deflection to keep my power idol happy at home. My idol promised me love, acceptance, comfort, and complete satisfaction if I stayed powerful in my relationship with my wife and kids. If anything threatened my idol system I became angry and full of rage.
Healing for me begins with belief in the Gospel. That Jesus has regenerated my heart and is my true master. Confessing and repenting before my wife and daughters, before my elders and all of you is also a part of the process. I can not over emphasis the importance of the Missional Community. I have brothers who call me and keep me accountable. I’m definitely a work in process. I keep discovering more idols in my heart. Understanding that my emotional and physical needs are distorted by my sinful nature helps me to put every thought under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. That my inordinate desires of my flesh are like a dislocated shoulder that only gets popped back into place by the Gospel which is the very power of God unto salvation, rather than simply trying to remove or repress my sinful ways through moral reform. It is only by the grace of God continually being poured into my heart that I am able to see these idols in my heart. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit only shows me a little at a time.
Finally, as I’m repenting from my demand that my wife be a good Christian wife fulfilling all her Biblical duties in the home and to me as “unto the Lord” is a milestone in our marriage, although, I’m still on probation with my wife. My need to be right, my hurt feelings, my fears, my control over the finances, my desire for the American dream, my opinions, even my desire to serve in the church, are all distorted by my fallen nature. Just simply understanding that sin has indeed effected every part of my being has freed me to love my wife, not worry so much about finances, help my daughters with heart issues rather than simply behavior control, forgive others (especially while driving), and to not be judgmental about alcohol and smoking and Beatle music. When my idols rule me, they are my functional saviors. When Christ rules me, (i.e. walk in the Spirit), then I will not fulfill the inordinate desires of my flesh. I love the words of Martin Luther King Jr, from his famous I have a Dream Speech. It’s from another time and about another terrible sin in our society, and I don’t want to diminish his words in any way. I only want to expand his words because it’s true that we are bound up by the sinful nature, and the freedom ring we hear is the message and light of the Gospel. I love King’s words right here at the end of his speech.
“Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”
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