Kaleo San Diego Church

 Ephesians 5:22-33

“[22] Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. [23] For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. [24] Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

[25] Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, [26] that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, [27] so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. [28] In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, [30] because we are members of his body. [31] “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” [32] This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. [33] However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

 

Chapter 5 starts with this instruction: “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children…”

 

God desires that every aspect of our life would be affected by our new identity in Christ. As His children, He desires that we resemble Him in all we do. The next three weeks will look at how what Christ has done is to shape and restore our marriages as husbands and wives, our families as parents and children, and our labor as employers and employees.

 

You would think by walking into Barnes and Nobles or Borders that marriages are flourishing with how many books are written on marriage and how many magazine articles there are on relationships. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. Marriages are struggling greatly. In fact, there is a greater chance you’ll get divorced than stay married in our day. More and more people are choosing to live together and marry late which creates a personal history of relational carnage that we bring into our marriages. Worse yet, the average Christian couple is more likely to divorce than a non-Christian by 2%.

 

Clearly we need help because we’re not doing a very good job of figuring it out on our own. Thankfully, the One who made us for relationships knows best what we need and graciously brings us truth from His word. Into our confused and self-sufficient culture, God speaks.

 

Since we love the ladies, we’ll let you go first! Ready?

 

Instruction to Wives

 

For the ladies that have been looking for that perfect life-verse that you want to tattoo, have you considered Ephesians 5:1?

 

Verse 22: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

 

Wait, no high fives, no “amen,” no applause? What could this verse possibly mean in the Greek? Well, it means “Wives, submit to your own husbands…” As much as we want to bend this verse like putty to mean something it doesn’t, it is as clear as could be. I think that’s why we have such a hard time with it.

 

The reason the word “submit” has such a negative connotation in our culture is because it is en vogue to make your own decision, lead yourself and do what your heart feels. That’s the popular level Oprahisms that characterize most of our self-help sections. Submission is viewed as archaic, outdated and repressive.

 

However, remember in verse 21 we’re called to submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. So clearly this issue of humility and submission is important to all of us. Jesus submits to the Father, the Church is to submit to Jesus, employees are to submit to their employers, Christians are to submit to their elders and we’re called to submit to one another. In short, submission is a key characteristic of a disciple of Jesus.

 

However, we live in a day where authority, headship and submission are looked upon with great skepticism. We are a democracy so we want to vote our leaders in and when they no longer do what we want, we blame them and vote them out while rarely ever considering that the problem may be with us.

 

We love comment sections on news and blogs, and we love to tell people what we think. However, in our struggle to only do what feels right to ourselves, we’ve become incredibly selfish, self-centered and self absorbed. We are less free because we are enslaved to our own will and impulse. This is why I think it is so hard for Christians to see Jesus as their Lord and not just their Savior. A Savior does something for us (and praise God He does), but a Lord is someone who has authority over us and calls us to hear His call and to lovingly, willingly and humbly submit.

 

So first and foremost we need to see that biblical submission is not a chauvinist’s idea to keep women subjugated. Instead, it is an essential aspect of what it means to trust God as we become imitators of Him.

 

Think about the two words that women struggle with the most, “submit” and being called a “helper suitable.” Yet Jesus only spoke what the Father wanted Him to and submitted to His Father in all ways. He continually deferred to His Father’s will and trusted Him. Yet we would never say that Jesus is without authority. He is our King, yet He submits.

 

Likewise, the idea of being called a helper to a husband might feel subordinate, but this is exactly what the Holy Spirit is called. The Helper who is the Spirit of the living God is so important that nothing gets done without Him. Without Jesus’ submission, our sins would not be atoned for and without the Holy Spirit’s work in giving us new life, we’d still be hard-hearted and darkened to the Gospel.

 

Can you imagine Jesus saying to the Father, “I don’t want to submit because it makes me feel like I’m unimportant” or the Holy Spirit saying, “Why do I have to be a helper? Can’t you do it?” Of course not. Within the Trinity is contained this beautiful combination of equality and difference.

 

You see, the Father, Son and Spirit are equal in the Godhead. They are each God and share in creation, redemption and restoration of all things. They are each called God and are glorified and praised. Yet they have different roles. The Father sent the Son to accomplish our salvation, not the Spirit. The Spirit is not the Son or the Father. Yet at the same time they are One. They share the same will, with the same purposes and plans. And we are created in the image of the Trinity, “Let us make man in our image…” (Gen. 1:26).

 

We were created male and female. We are equal before God in all ways yet are given different roles. God could have made us asexual in our reproduction, but it was God’s idea to make us male and female. To show what He was like, He chose to make us equal yet different.

 

Adam was created first and was given the authority and responsibility to name the animals and lead his wife by teaching her the will of God. Eve was given to Adam to help him accomplish what God intended for the world. From the beginning we see God’s intention was that the husband would lead his wife. It is only when sin disrupts their beautifully equal relationship that the problem of submission enters.

 

To Your Own Husbands

 

Notice that the wife is to submit to her “own husband”, not to men in general. This is important because there are some men that think women should submit to all men. Not so. Women are under their father’s headship until they are married and then they are under the headship of their husband.

 

However, dating a girl doesn’t make you her head. Until you are in a covenant with her by marriage, no matter how much you cry out “submit” she’s not obligated to submit to you and frankly she shouldn’t. You don’t get to be responsible for her until you are given authority. And you don’t get the authority without being responsible.

 

In what attitude or posture are the wives to submit?

 

As to the Lord

 

Simply put, this means that the wife’s submission should be as if she’s submitting to the Lord Himself. In fact, she is. When a wife submits to her husband, she is submitting to Jesus since it is Jesus that is leading her husband. This doesn’t mean the husband will always appear to be submit-worthy, but Jesus is.

 

By submitting to your husband you are obeying Jesus and demonstrating that you trust Him. Why?

 

The Husband IS the Head

 

Verse 23: “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.”

 

Notice that it says the husband IS the head of the wife. Not might be, will be, should be, but “is” the head. The fact of Adam’s headship is likened to the fact of Jesus as the head of the church. We don’t get to vote whether or not Jesus is the head of the church. Likewise, we don’t vote whether or not the husband is the head of the wife. He simply is.

 

The issue isn’t whether or not your husband is the head; it’s whether or not he’s a good head. Is he an effective head like Christ or an ineffective one?

 

Husbands can make your submission much harder than it needs to be by acting like a bonehead. But let’s remember that even when Jesus is our head and leads us perfectly, we still want to fight against His headship. Clearly the perfection of the head doesn’t always determine our willingness to submit.

 

In Everything

 

Verse 24: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

 

What should you submit to? Everything. Not just when you agree, but even when you don’t. If you only submit when you agree, that isn’t submission but permission.

 

However, the one exception to this is when a man is clearly asking you to sin against your God. Submission to Jesus trumps your submission to your husband when it comes to sin.

 

This is going to require God’s grace because there will be times when you will not want to submit to your husband in everything.

 

Now to the husbands.

 

Instruction to Husbands

 

Verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

 

Just as the wives are called to something that isn’t natural but requires grace, so husbands are called to something that requires grace.

 

Love Your Wives

 

Men tend towards selfishness and self-centeredness. Historically, men have treated women as inferior to them or as nothing more than a glorified slave to serve a man’s every whim.

 

Yet here we have the clearest instruction of how God wants husbands to lead. Love your wives!

 

What does this love look like?

 

As Christ Loved the Church and Gave Himself up for Her

 

Jesus didn’t simply come into this world and walk around telling people about the feeling of love He had towards sinners. Instead, Jesus demonstrated His love towards us in this way, “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

 

His love was shown in His deed. He gave Himself up. He willingly laid down His life. He did so because He loved His Father and He loved His bride.

 

Brothers, love is not simply an ooey-gooey feeling. It is something that compels you to act. I don’t just tell my wife I love her by my words, I demonstrate it in my actions. In fact, my words ring hollow if my actions don’t prove it.

 

You can tell your wife you love her all day long, but when she tells you she doesn’t feel loved, it means that she’s not seeing your love in action.

 

Husbands are called to sacrifice themselves for their wives. They are called to give up their self-centered interests and consider the interests and needs of their bride, just as Jesus did.

 

What is amazing to me is that the King of glory “did not come to be served but to serve others and give His life as a ransom” (Matt. 20:28). He is a servant-King.

 

I think most of the issues of feminism are the man’s fault. If men were to lead with courage and authority that is bound in loving service, women wouldn’t react so negatively to this concept. If wives were being cherished and their needs being met as they were emotionally fulfilled in their relationship because their husband loved them well - how many pickets would there be?

 

Now, we’ll get into this later, but men are going to have to learn what it looks like to love not just generally, but specifically. In other words, husbands are going to need to know their wives well enough to understand what feels loving to them.

 

Giving yourself up for her may not include physical death, but it might mean death to the Xbox. Or it might mean death to a hobby that is taking so much time your wife doesn’t feel loved. It might mean death to your preference for what is enjoyable.

 

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been in Michael’s (which is like craft-Mecca for my wife), I’d be a rich man. My wife likes to walk through the mall when she’s there to get something specific. I like to hunt and kill.

 

My wife and I are alike in that we both love our heads being massaged. However, she feigns injury so it is often her head that gets rubbed! I love to rub and scratch her head. Also, my wife hates to be massaged by anyone, except me. So, I’ve had to turn into Sven the Swedish masseuse. She loves to be held and touched so I love her that way and in doing so I’m expressing my love for her in more than just words.

 

My wife likes detective shows about forensic cases, I don’t. But I do love my wife. Some women feel loved by being pampered. Some women feel loved by spending time with them. Some feel loved by talking and communicating. Some feel loved when you change the oil. Some feel loved when you buy them flowers and others feel loved when you take out the trash.

 

No two women are the exact same and it is the responsibility of the man to discover what feels loving to his wife.

 

The problem is that men are taught to be discoverers. This is why men get bored in a relationship and want to move on to another. We think there is something noble about discovering new land and planting our flag on the beach. The problem is that the Bible doesn’t find discovery as important as exploration.

 

A man doesn’t need unlimited women to discover, he needs one woman that he can explore for the rest of his days. And, she’s constantly changing so just when you feel as if you’ve explored all there is, she will change and you get to explore loving her in new ways.

 

If you think you’re going to land on the beach and be done, you’re going to find your wife feeling extremely unloved. So you have to continually learn about her.

 

The Bible says we’re to dwell with our wives in understanding (1 Peter 3:7), which implies we don’t understand and need to.

 

Not only are we to love them by giving ourselves up, we’re to love them by taking initiative for their growth and sanctification.

 

That He Might Sanctify Her

 

Verses 26: “…that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, [27] so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”

 

Through history God has dealt with us through covenants. A covenant is a binding agreement between two parties. There was the Adamic, Noahic, Abrahamic, Davidic and of course the New Covenant. In each of these, God binds himself to His people and then appoints a human mediator that is responsible for ensuring the covenant is kept.

 

When Eve sinned in the Garden, who did God go to first? Adam. Why? Because he was responsible for Eve. This is important because Jesus is responsible for us in the New Covenant.

 

Marriage is called the covenant of marriage (Malachi 2:14) and the man is given the responsibility of acting as the covenant head by being held responsible for the actions of his wife and family just as Jesus is responsible for the actions of His Bride, the church.

 

Of course each person is held personally responsible for their holiness before God, yet God gives headship responsibility uniquely to the husband. As our covenant head, Jesus took responsibility for our sin. Many men want authority without responsibility.

 

Jesus takes responsibility for our sanctification, just as the husband is to take responsibility for his wife’s sanctification. Brothers, this means that you are responsible for her. Did Jesus sin against His bride? No. Does Jesus take responsibility for the sin of His bride? Yes.

 

In case men don’t fully understand what this looks like, Paul spells it out pretty clearly in the next passage.

 

Loving our Wife as We Love Ourselves

 

Verses 28-30: “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. [29] For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, [30] because we are members of his body.”

 

In the same way as Jesus, Paul says we should love our wives as we do our own body. What an amazing thing that Jesus loves us as His body. He nourishes us, cares for us, instructs us, leads us and protects us. In this same way we’re to see our wife as our own body and should care for it with the same diligence.

 

I really struggle with men that do not nourish and cherish their wives yet they are in the gym, washing their car, spending considerable time caring for themselves and their wants but very little time for the cares and needs of their wife. Frankly, its selfishness and it is far from what our Savior is like.

 

Since our Savior has loved us so well and has cared for us by meeting our deepest needs, we should care for our wives.

 

I rarely see man go hungry. I rarely see a man refuse to turn on air conditioning when it’s boiling hot outside. I rarely see man not put on a jacket when he’s freezing or take off his shoes when he’s going for a walk over gravel. Instead, a man naturally takes care of his own flesh. He cares for his body. If he didn’t care for his body and left it to the elements until it was harmed, we’d say that man hated himself.

 

Likewise, a man that refuses to care for and nourish his wife with what she needs by providing for her physically and emotionally is demonstrating that he doesn’t love her but instead hates her.

 

In so many ways where we might struggle to understand what loving our wife looks like, all we have to do is look to how Christ loves the church.

 

He initiates and pursues her. He brings her grace and truth. He sacrifices his comfort for her needs. He is willing to give his life. He protects her. He provides for her needs in every way. He is tender and affectionate. He is kind and patient. He is humble and sacrificial. He is the first to give and not demand. He is the first to take responsibility for her. He stands between her and all of hell and fights for her soul.

This is what loving her looks like in a way that cherishes and nourishes her.

 

Leaving the Nest

 

Verse 31: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

 

In our culture, this doesn’t seem as difficult since we leave the nest very early. However, it is possible to have left your parents and yet still be so influenced by them that you’re not free to love your wife the way God has called you to.

 

Sometimes our parents are great role models for headship and submission and sometimes they’re not. A great role model would mean that when you establish your own home with your bride, your parents no longer treat you as if you are still a child at home but a husband who is leading his own home.

 

Of course, this can go both ways and husbands and wives find themselves struggling to compete with the influence of the in-laws. But it is clear that when we leave our parents, we are joined to our wife and we become one. This oneness shouldn’t be hindered or separated by our parents.

 

In fact, the next verse shows us why it is so important that the marriage isn’t separated.

 

Marriage Displays the Gospel

 

Verse 32: “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

 

In marriage, God is revealing the mystery of the Gospel. A husband and wife are to be a demonstration of Christ and the Church. They become a powerful witness to the truth of the Gospel.

 

-A gospel that takes two people and makes them one.

-A gospel that demonstrates loving authority and godly headship.

-A gospel that brings people into humble submission to Jesus, their husband.

 

I think this is why marriage is so attacked by the enemy. It is one of the clearest demonstrations outside of Scripture of who Jesus is and what He has done and the enemy hates it. I believe that’s why Christians have a higher divorce rate because they are more intensely opposed by Satan.

 

Yet God calls us to hear this truth and cherish what He intends so that this great mystery can be most clearly shown to a hurting world.

 

Instruction to Both

 

Verse 33: “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

 

I love that this ends with a reminder to both. Husbands are to love your wife and the wife is to respect her husband.

 

Isn’t it amazing that God, through Paul, has to say this to us again? It’s because we tend to give what we desire most. Husbands think they are doing a great job if they respect their wives and wives think they’re doing a great job if they love their husbands. On one level they are, but what God does is show us an important key for unlocking the affection of their spouse.

 

Brothers, wives don’t want to be merely respected. Men respect that guy that hits homeruns or fixes his car. A woman wants to be loved more than she wants respect. In fact, she will feel respected if you love her.

 

Sisters, husbands enjoy hearing that you love them, but what they truly desire is that you respect them. You love your friends, your parents and chocolate. A husband feels as if you really care for him when you demonstrate by your actions that you honor and respect him. If you don’t, he won’t feel loved.

 

We keep trying to do to our spouse what we want and it may not be working. This is why God gives us this instruction. We consider how Jesus brought dignity and honor to a whore and made her His bride so that she could stand with confidence before her Father in Heaven. As we think of Jesus’ willingness to love by sacrifice we can remember that we’re not only accepted but adored by our Father.

 

As we consider what Christ has done and meditate on the cross, where our failures to submit to Jesus and love our God with all we have are, we can walk in newness of life that allows us to then submit to our husbands and love our wives.

 

It is only in the Gospel that we are free to be children who imitate their Father in heaven. 

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