Kaleo San Diego Church > Sermons

The Gospel At Home

David Fairchild
Aug 29, 2010
Series: Ephesians

“[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [2] “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), [3] “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” [4] Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Last week we began to look at how the Gospel shapes and transforms our roles as husbands and wives. There is a reason when Paul addresses our home life that he begins with marriage first before parenting. Healthy marriages are the soil in which healthy children grow. The relationship between parents is a primary means of grace where God is able to show His divine nature and character as a Parent towards His children.

A marriage that is floundering will (no matter how much they individually love Christ) not display the kind of loving and honoring witness that is intended so that that child is trained how to love and honor Christ.

We tend not to see children the same way the Bible does. In the time of Christ, the Roman father was absolute ruler over his home. He could do whatever he wanted with his wife and children. He could sell his children to slavery, abandon his child, kill his child if he didn’t want it, and he was allowed to do this under the law.

In fact there is an ancient personal letter that archeologists found around this time that was written from a husband who was traveling to his wife. He says in nonchalant terms after giving her instruction on what to do with his business back home, “and if the child is a girl, kill her.”

Children were not held in high esteem in this day. There was an entire group called “throw away children” which were children left out on the refuse pile where any passerby would hear the screams of a child simply walking to their home. There were some that would take those children and make them into slaves or child prostitutes.

As barbaric as this sounds, our culture is not much different. We will throw 1.3 million babies out on the trash pile this year alone in our country. We still view them as an inconvenience and whether we physically abandon them or simply ignore them so that we can pursue our own aspirations; we are creating a generation of “throw away” children in our day.

However, this is not how God sees children. He says they are a gift from Him. (Psalm 127:3). In fact, God loves to reveal Himself as a Father and desires that we love Him and call Him our Father.

The celebration of children in Scripture is glorious. The question is whether or not we share the same attitude towards children as our Father does.

Genesis 1:28 - God tells Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply by having children and to do so fruitfully is to have children that love God.

In our city, if you have more than 2 children you are looked at as a freak who’s picture is the slightly hunched over Neanderthal two steps back on the evolutionary chart.

However, God is looking for children that our godly (Malachi 2:15). This is important to understand. Just as God created us as His children to love, glorify and honor Him, we’re to have children that do the same. This is where Paul takes us this morning in Ephesians 6:1-4.

If you are a parent, we can rejoice that God speaks to us about what He desires for our parenting and children. If you are married without children, this is a great help to you since you can hear God’s word beforehand instead of trying to build the ship while it’s sailing.

If you’re single, this applies to you because you’re a child and the time for you to learn to be a parent isn’t when you have children, it’s today. In fact, this instruction is given by Paul to the church and is intended for the children to hear along with the parents. If you are a man, this message is particularly important for you since it addresses what a marriage looks like when they love Jesus and how a father is to care for his children if he is a disciple of Christ.

Let’s look at the passage:

Verse 1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

The first thing Paul does is address the children of the church. This is interesting because in this day the way letters were written always followed a particular pattern. A general greeting would be given and then the person of most importance would be addressed first. However, when Paul gets to husbands and wives he speaks to the wife first. As we read about parents and children he addresses the children first, and as we read next week about masters and slaves, he addresses the slaves first.

What Paul is doing by this structure is holding women, children and slaves up in high esteem be reversing the tradition.

Also, the mere fact that Paul addresses a command to the children means that the children would have been present to hear God’s word with their parents and see their role within the family. This is why the initial instruction is so simple and clear.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Children, Obey Your Parents

There is nothing complicated about the instruction. What is difficult is whether or not our children do in fact obey and whether or not we expect our children to be obedient to us.

As we said last week, we live in a time when headship, submission and obedience are not very popular. The various parenting books tell us not to discipline our children but to reason with them. Not to call them to obey, but instead let them explore and come to their own conclusions about right and wrong.

However, we see what children do when they come to their own conclusions. Little Timmy at 2 years old came to the conclusion that he was stronger than little Sally and picked up the Tonka truck and knocked her on the head with it because he didn’t think he had to share. Of course, if you ask Sally’s parents if they want Timmy to come to his own conclusions about right and wrong they will probably say no.

Just last week a 12 year old girl shot someone she was robbing. The newspaper was stunned at how much younger violent offenders are becoming. If we believe Scripture, we shouldn’t be shocked at all. We realize that children are not born as perfect little Jesus lovers but instead are unredeemed and need Christ.

Each child has the seeds of Cain in them and it is our role as parents to nurture obedience in them.

Have you ever seen a child in line at grocery store that is grabbing everything and climbing out of the cart while mom does nothing? Our first thought is “Wow, that child is a little demon spawn,” until we see the mother doing nothing. Then we think “And there is the demon the child is spawned from!”

The frown of society towards misbehaved children will be a look that child will see often if they are not lovingly called to obedience.

Just as God calls us to trust and obey Him, just as God calls wives to submit to their husbands in everything, children are to obey their parents. God desires humble obedience with a child towards a parent because it trains them to humbly obey Him. In fact, to disobey your parents is to disobey God since it is God that calls you to obedience.

The question is what does obedience look like? Well, this is speaking to little children that are still at home, not adult children that have moved out and now have their own homes. Little children are to obey their parents as Colossians 3:20 says “in everything.”

A child is called very clearly to obey their parents much like a wife is called to submit to her husband in everything as to the Lord and just as the husband is called to submit and obey Jesus. Not in some things. Not in the things that make sense and you fully understand. But children are to obey their parents in whatever the parent asks of them.

In the Lord

Does this mean that if parents are asking their children to do something sinful they are to obey? Of course not. This is why the passage says “in the Lord.” This obedience is to be done with the reality of Christ behind the parent so that the child sees Christ in their obedience and behind the child so that the parents see Christ in how they treat their children. What makes this obedience beautiful instead of tyrannically is the Savior behind the instruction. A Christ-captured heart wants to obey because it is pleasing to the Father.

Why Should Children Obey?

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

It’s the right thing to do. It couldn’t get simpler than that. Paul does for us what our culture refuses to. He says something is right and another wrong. Our culture wants to debate whether or not something is good or bad, right or wrong and Paul cuts through all of that and says to children, do this because it is right.

How are Children to Obey?

Verses 2-3: “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), [3] “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

Children are called to honor their father and mother. What is beautiful about this command is that it’s not just for children living at home, but it is one of the Ten Commandments that an entire culture is to embrace.

The honoring of mom and dad is more than obedience. You can obey with a snarky attitude or a heart that is far from your parents. But you are called here to obey them and do so with an attitude of honor. Honor means to revere and treat your parents with respect, dignity and love. When we’re called to honor God, He’s not looking for dutiful children, but children that love Him and want to revere Him in their hearts so that they’ll want to obey.

This is so key because it is our heart attitude that spills out into our actions. If your child doesn’t obey you, it’s because they don’t honor you in that moment. It isn’t simply because they have a hot temper or are “just like their grandma.” It’s because they lack honor and reverence for their mom and dad.

Demanding honor without displaying you’re honorable makes it difficult for children. Just as being dishonorable makes it hard for your wife to submit and respect you. It doesn’t mean we’re called to honor our parents only when they’re honorable. It just means we can make it harder on them to do so.

So Paul does us a favor by speaking to the fathers so they know what it looks like to create an environment in the home where we can make it easier for our kids to obey and honor us.

A Word to Fathers

Paul now turns his attention to the fathers. He could have said parents or fathers and mothers, but he chose to speak directly to the dads of the church.

Just as the responsibility to nurture, cherish and serve our wives as the head is incredibly humbling, so it is with our roles as fathers that the children are called to obey and honor.

There are many husbands that want the authority given to the husband without responsibility, just as there are many dads that want the authority of being a dad without the responsibility that comes with it.

Nowhere in Scripture do we see authority given without responsibility. God is not only our Father and has authority over His children, He takes responsibility for us, covers our sins and keeps us His by His grace and His power.

Also, I want us to understand how important a witness it is to be a godly father to a watching world.

Our world is broken:

-Over 40% of children will go to bed tonight with no father around.

-1/3 of the birth certificates today will not have a father’s name on them.

-Almost half of the children in our country will go to bed with no dad around to love them or to protect them.

The consequence is tremendous:

-Kids without dads are 5 times more likely to live in poverty.

-Kids are 10 times more likely to live in dire poverty.

-Children are 2 times as likely to be criminals and go to jail.

This results in higher rates of depression and suicide, sex outside of marriage, teen pregnancy, crime, suicide, divorce, all of those are greatly increased because there is no dad around.

If a dad is simply breathing, he will drop the probability of his kid becoming a criminal in half. This doesn’t even need to be a dad that does anything, just sits on the couch, eats coco puffs and watches TV all day and his kid has a better chance of staying out of jail. Imagine what kind of impact a Jesus-loving, gospel-saturated, godly father could have if he’s at home.

Let’s look at what Paul says to the dads.

Verse 4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Fathers, Don’t Provoke Your Children to Anger

First thing he says is for dads not to provoke their children to anger.

Q-What are some ways we can provoke our children to anger?

One way is by being unnecessarily harsh or unreasonable.

My daughter had to have a long talk with me about 2 months ago. She told me that one of the reasons she gets hurt is when I won’t listen to her by cutting her off when she’s trying to explain something to me. She said she feels like I don’t care about what she thinks and it makes her feel like she’s stupid and her thoughts aren’t important.

You know what, she was right. She recently turned 13 and I was still treating her like she was much younger. At 13 she’s able to discuss things with me and should. Yet when I feel like I’m right about something, I would say “Madison, I don’t care, I asked you to do this or that.” In other words, “Madison, your opinion isn’t important to me and you’re too young to say anything valuable so just do what I say.” That’s what I was saying to her and that’s how she felt.

We can also provoke them by not understanding their limits. If you take your children out past their bedtime, you’re probably going to find they’re not very reasonable and well behaved. If they go to bed at 8 and you’re at a friend’s till 11, they might turn green, burst through their clothes and become the hulk right in front of your eyes. Don’t be surprised. If this happens, it isn’t that their actions are excusable; but that we have to take the responsibility that we’ve provoked them.

If you feed your children cupcakes and Mountain Dew all day and they won’t listen to you or obey, it’s probably because they’re as high as a crack addicts. Again, we have to take responsibility for provoking them.

If you refuse to call your children to obedience and they embarrass you in public or become unreasonably angry and throw a tantrum, realize that by abdicating your role as a father, you’ve provoked them.

Also, if you belittle them, make fun of them and constantly put them down, they’re probably not going to be loving, compliant little angels. You’re provoking them to anger and though they might not have the strength as little kids to do damage, one day you might find yourself on the receiving end of their anger that’s built up for years because you’ve provoked them.

Instead of provoking, we’re to bring them up in discipline and instruction.

Bring them up in Discipline and Instruction

Verse 4b: “…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Discipline

Q-How does our culture view the discipline of our children

Q-How does our culture view the practice of spanking to discipline our kids?

Proverbs 22:15 “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.”

The Bible teaches that a child is born foolish and sinful and through discipline and instruction they become wise and redeemed. Godly, timely, loving discipline is one of the primary ways that we help our children grow up.

Proverbs 23:13-14 “[13] Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. [14] If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.”

There will be times when your children act like you’re killing them when you discipline them.

When Madison was about 3 we were in Black Angus having a nice meal and Madison started to act up. So we asked her clearly to sit down and stop jumping on the seat. She didn’t so I pulled out the wooden spoon we used to spank her with out of my backpack. Usually the flash of the spoon reminded her that there were consequences if she disobeyed mommy and daddy. But this time she just ignored our warning and started up again.

So, I went to pick her up and take her outside and as I did so she straightened her body so I had to carry her like a roll of carpet. Additionally, as I’m walking out with her in one arm and the spoon in the other she begins to scream through the entire restaurant, “Daddy don’t beat me!”

Needless to say, that was a little embarrassing. However, I calmly took her outside around the corner of the front door and tanned her little hiney. After she was done crying, I asked her if she understood why she was spanked and she said yes, then I asked her if she knew I loved her and she say yes and apologized. We hugged and walked back in and had a great night together.

I loved her too much to not discipline her. As hard as it was, I knew my love for her needed to be stronger than my embarrassment. This passage helped me to remember that over and over again when we had to discipline her.

You’ve probably heard “spare the rod, spoil the child” but I want you to look at what Proverbs 13:24 says.

Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.”

This proverb says that if you spare the rod you’re demonstrating that you hate your child. It isn’t that you love your child too much to discipline them; it’s that you don’t love them enough. You love your own comfort, appearance and need for acceptance more than you love God and your children.

Proverbs 19:18 “Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.”

Proverbs 3:11-12 “[11] My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, [12] for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.”

Hebrews 12:6-11 “[6] For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” [7] It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? [8] If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. [9] Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? [10] For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. [11] For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

God’s word teaches us that the reason God disciplines us and we discipline our children is because we love them.

I remember one day when Madison was in kindergarten and I was driving her to school while playing the “don’t smile” game. Out of the blue I asked her, “Maddie, do you know your daddy loves you?” She said, “Yes daddy, I know you love me, you tell me all the time.” So I said, “Maddie, how do you know that daddy loves you?” The response I got about floored me. She said, without hesitation, “Because you discipline me, you take care of me and you teach me about God.”

Her and I never had that conversation before but she equated my discipline with her as the way I show her that I love her. After I reflected on the times I disciplined her and how I would always end with, “You know that daddy loves you right? You know that I’m disciplining you because I love you sweetheart, right?” That she was able to remember that even though the discipline isn’t pleasant in the moment, it was one of the primary ways I showed her I loved her.

I want us to remember this truth. When God disciplines us, it’s because He loves us so much He wants to remove anything that would cause us to not love Him. In the same way, we discipline our children because we want to remove anything that would cause them to not love God.

Instruction

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

It isn’t simply discipline we’re to exercise; it has to be coupled with instruction. Without which your children will never know why you’re doing what you’re doing and will probably grow to resent you for your discipline.

In Proverbs you see this beautiful interaction with discipline and instruction. God wants us to teach our children not just make them obey. He doesn’t want well-behaved little Pharisees who do the right things but inwardly are angry or distant.

This instruction is instruction in the Lord. It is teaching them that the reason we discipline them is because we love them, love God and want them to love God too. We want to teach them that when they disobey mommy and daddy they are disobeying and dishonoring God. We want to teach them that sin has consequences but God is a good God who loves us and disciplines us for our good. We want to teach them about a Father that is quick to forgive and reconcile us and that wants to be close to us and take away whatever would make us distant.

This is the unique role we have when we take the time to instruct our children. We are to show them who God is, what He’s done for us, why we sin and what hope we have in Christ.

Some parents only discipline and some only instruct and try to reason. Scripture calls us to both. Without which our children will not flourish.

What Kind of Discipline and Instruction?

Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Not just any kind of discipline and instruction, but specifically to the discipline and instruction of the Lord Jesus. Parents are responsible for bringing up our children in the Lord. This isn’t the responsibility of private school or of programs at the church. This is our humble and glorious responsibility as those God has chosen to bless with children.

We’re not going after well-behaved children. We want children that behave because their hearts have been transformed by God’s grace as they hear who their Savior is and what He’s done for them. This is how God deals with us. He doesn’t want moral reformation, but gospel transformation so we’ll obey because we want to lovingly please Him.

So many of the programs at the typical evangelical churches are geared towards women and children, 1) because they go to them, and 2) because the husbands aren’t doing their job loving, leading, serving and teaching their wives or disciplining and instructing their children.

Jesus fully obeyed His father all the way to cross and didn’t dishonor or disobey Him. He did this for us so that we are treated by our Father as if we’ve fully obeyed.

Since the Father is the one who disciplines and instructs us, in other words He’s responsible for our sanctification, we can now be shaped and transformed by His grace and accept His loving discipline and Gospel instruction so that we can care for our children’s sanctification.